Our Provider

I am finding myself daily awed and amazed by God's provision in our lives. Back in November, I felt it was time to leave my job of 2 1/2 years as an office manager in a real estate office. My job had finally settled into a routine, I'd learned just about all I could in that capacity, and the excitement was gone. The decision wasn't easy because I loved the people I worked with, but trusting that God had something more in store for me, I took a step of faith and quit. 

Most of the people in my family were worried because I didn't have another job lined up to step into. That's understandable - when things are usually done a certain way, stepping outside the box can be scary. But I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that God was moving in my life, and I chose to trust Him. A couple months went by...still no income. And then, the week before Christmas, he changed my heart.

For several months, I'd been having a very hard time struggling with my jealousy over so many women around me getting pregnant and having babies. Of course that's not the way I viewed it, because it came out in tears and gut-wrenching pain instead of open spite...and I always genuinely desired to rejoice with my friends, but somehow couldn't. The situation got to the point that I started to feel like Hannah in 1 Samuel, grieving openly and unashamedly for my lack of a child - except that I couldn't begin to fathom how she gave Samuel back to God. Matt began to worry about me, and advised that I step away from childcare at the church for a while. So I did, and began to pray that God would remove this ugly jealousy and unnatural grief from my heart. 

In mid-December, a friend asked if I would consider coming back to help on Sunday nights, and I felt like God was offering me a chance to see His healing. I took a deep breath and another step of faith, and said yes. By doing so, I learned that He had changed my heart...instead of the children being a constant reminder of what I didn't have, they began to be a blessing in my life. The week before Christmas, I followed where He was leading yet again and broadcast the word that I was available to babysit. The requests began to pour in from other women in our church (full of young families) and their friends. I established my rates, bought some bookkeeping supplies, and set out on an adventure.

I never would have dreamed that this was the next job God had planned for me. Babysitting? Really? Yet I have a job nearly every single day. And the amazing beauty of my situation is that I have to trust God completely. I don't get a steady paycheck. Right now, next week is looking pretty empty. But consistently, He provides. My faith is growing by leaps and bounds, just watching Him line up jobs for me every single week. This week, it was so exciting - I had a couple all-day jobs lined up that had been scheduled weeks ago, and was feeling kind of "rich" from all the work, like I'd have extra in the bank. But then this became the week that we needed to pay the utilities or our lights would be shut off, and we needed to make a car payment to be able to defer one in March and get caught up. My two full days of work allowed both of those payments to happen, and then Matt had just enough extra in his paycheck to cover groceries. No riches, no extra...just enough. My heart is bursting with praise for Him. He is teaching me to take nothing for granted, to be utterly thankful for every penny I receive, because it is enough. Not too little, and not even too much, but always, always enough. I think that's a better proof of His love than if He were to shower us with riches. This way, I can watch Him pay each bill just as we need it, and marvel over the way our Provider loves us. Praise God for my new job, and praise Him for His awe-inspiring provision! He is teaching me what "Father" really means, and the knowledge is healing my bruised heart.